I was at the mall the other day. By myself. Let me say that again - BY MYSELF. Sounds nice, doesn't it? Any other time I'm at the mall, I'm carting along three kids. We don't stop at stores that interest me. We check out the sales at Children's Place, then head over to the Disney Store, then a brief check in Old Navy for kids clothes on sale, and then grab an Auntie Anne's Pretzel loaded with cinnamon and sugar to share on our way out.
When I'm by myself - it's a different story. I go to the shops that interest me. Bath & Body Works to see if the foaming soap I love for the bathroom is 4 for $10, head to the rack in the way back of the Gap to find a bargain, then over to Macy's to try on a bathing suit (who am I kidding), pass Auntie Anne's (because I just came out of Macy's), loop around to Old Navy and then I'm done.
I always think I'm going to thoroughly enjoy myself at the mall when I'm flyin' solo. But I don't.
As I walk into the Gap, I think to myself: I'm not really this preppy. Better leave.
As I walk into Lady Foot Locker, I think to myself: I'm not really athletic. Better leave.
As I walk into Old Navy, I think to myself: I'm not really this trendy. Better leave.
As I walk into Sears, I think to myself: I'm not really this old. Better leave.
See, when I'm with my kids, I'm taking care of their needs. I'm not thinking inwardly, and I'm certainly not paying attention to anyone else at the mall. I imagine that when people notice me and the kids, they see a confident mom with three kids. At least that's how I feel... I've got clean clothes on, a little lip gloss, and we're having a good time out at the mall.
When I'm not with my kids, I turn very inward. And I feel like just another woman... and out of style, frumpy, no make up woman. I lose all sense of confidence. I question who I am, what style I like, and I get horrendously indecisive.
I slowed up to peek into Abercrombie & Fitch today thinking I might go in when I noticed the "boy" who was working in the front of the store was looking at me while I was looking in, and I thought to myself, "who are you kidding", you aren't cool enough to step foot in that store. People would laugh.
Oh I hate that people would laugh. Not out loud I hope, but to themselves - which for me is far worse. See... I actually love to MAKE people laugh. I enjoy telling you my flaws in order to make you laugh and put you at ease that you aren't the only lunatic mom out there. It's an entirely different story when you see MY flaws and you're laughing at me.
So while I'm in the mall, walking the halls, now not confident enough to go into most of the stores around me, I think about what others must think about me: why is she in this store; she's certainly not shopping for herself; wow for a girl her age, she's really let herself go. And then in my head I start rebutting the ridiculous comments I have decided others must be saying: "they don't know I have three small kids, that I'm out for a brief moment without them, that I'm dressed like this because I just came from a TBall game, and that I rarely buy myself new clothes and it's not because I don't want to"!
And then I snap out of it - the people around me don't know me, they don't care how I'm dressed. And if they have noticed, who cares. I realize I'm going WAY too inward for my own good. And so I go home. No bags in hand.
I feel as though I've just been suffocating in the mall and actually look forward to the moment I'm back in my minivan, alone.
So why am I confident when I'm with my kids and considerably lack it when I'm alone?
(i think this is a rhetorical question, but if you feel a real desire to comment, please do)
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7 comments:
And you said you didn't have anything to write!!! The reason you don't know what to do at the mall without kids is because you aren't doing it enough. You're out of practice.
Go to the mall? What's that?
When I am with the kids it is like a mission...in and out as quickly and painlessly as possible.
Buy something for me - wait, do I have $$ for that? The last time I went (for me) was in September, after our MIA fashion show to buy a pair of jeans. Oh wait, I did go in December to buy a headband. Does buying clinique count?
Point is, it would take a while for me to figure out how to shop again (Natalie is right) but when I do I don't care what people think. And for the record you are great for who you are - not because you are a cool mom of 3.
Maybe you need another kid. :) I go to the mall by myself like once every six months or so. And the whole time I'm thinking, "Is Dave surviving? Is he going to call me any second saying I need to come home RIGHT NOW? Just grab 300 outfits and run into the dressing and buy anything that remotely fits!! Oh, no, I hate everything!! How did I get so enormous?! Do I have time to try another store? Run! Run!! I'm so thirsty! Forget it, no time to drink. Oh, that would look nice on Abby. No, focus, focus." Completely stressful. This is why I wear the same clothes all the time. I'm picturing relaxing mall trips when everyone's in school, after I've worked out and had a quiet time and my house is perfectly picked up and life is completely blissful. That's realistic, right?
Honey, it's hard to be confident about something when you don't know anything about it. You don't know yourself so you won't be confident.
You are emerging from a stage where "Say Anything" didn't exist. It was a necessary season but it is coming to an end.
Now, you are entering the amazing journey of discovering who you are and more importantly who God created you to be.
So look at your shopping excursions as a fact gathering session about your likes and dislikes and be okay with it. Enjoy your inward thoughts and opinions and your strengths and weaknesses. It is a lot of fun. Embrace it and don't be so fearful of it. God will keep you on track.
You know I know this from experience. I was the one that introduced you to the word "frumpy."
First of all, I'm so glad you wrote this because I've been there a time or two before. It's cool to be at the mall when you're someone's mom, but feeling so uncool when it is you, Mrs. 30-something with the "mommy jeans" on. Good news is that God can use those moments to keep us humble, while at the same time making us feel special if we take the time to be honest with Him. Secondly, you are a hottie and don't forget it! Thirdly, I just bought 2 shirts from Sears, so watch the "old" comments lady! :-)
Now see, I won't be able to set foot in the mall without that litany of thoughts you just proposed running thru my head!! Just kidding . . . it's a thought process I'm well familiar with.
Seriously, I have lately been experiencing the same sort of things when I venture to places like that alone. I've wondered, is it because it's another one of those places that tells us (sometimes subtly and sometimes not!) what we "should" be? We should be young and hip? We should be thin and blonde? Dynamic and well-matched? Off beat and color coordinated just so? We should be dressed like this, and own this and we all need that?
Maybe because my daughter is currently waging a battle over being a leader vs. a follower, I'm more sensitive to these messages? I feel like experiences like you described just bring all my insecurities out, some that I didn't even know were there. Stuff I thought I dropped at the Cross ages ago. But I hear you. I hear you!
I think I can relate.
And it is time for some updating but really where do I begin. Most likely it will be at Wal-Mart.
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