It's Baaaccckkkk...

In late October, I came down with a nasty sore throat. Thinking for sure it was strep, I made my husband investigate my throat with a flashlight. "All I see is red" he says, "No Spots". I wasn't convinced - my throat hurt so bad. But I had him check three times - so I let it go. I didn't make an appointment with the doctor. I just rode it out.

Two weeks later, I woke to tiny red dots covering a large portion of my face and body. I did some internet investigating to find this interesting fact:

According to the National Psoriasis Foundation website "80% of all Guttate Psoriasis flare ups occur two to three weeks after a streptococcal infection". That confirmed it for me - it was back.

What will people think? What will my children think? What will my husband think? I realize I care way to much about what others think. I don't like that people are making assumptions about my condition. And I know, as a mother, other mothers are thinking, "is it contagious, does her kid have it?" In fact, I don't even have to wonder if they are thinking it - some people are saying it, asking me point blank, with no consideration of my feelings "what is going on with your face?" "are you contagious" "is that some sort of rash?" I answer politely, wondering if their parents ever taught them an ounce of manners.

Revisiting this disease has brought up so much pain, hurt and rejection from when I was a child. As a kid, my family fought my battles for me - answering people's questions and concerns. I'm so grateful, because now as an adult with this disease, the questions are being asked directly to me. I notice the staring, the doubletakes, and I'm not sure how to handle it.

Then I realize my kids are watching me through this trial. What unspoken things am I saying to them, when I won't leave the house without makeup, when I'm covering my body with turtlenecks and hats. Am I saying that I'm not beautiful, that God has made a mistake? Am I ashamed? Will my girls think every flaw they have has to be covered? That you can't be beautiful and have a blemish? Will my son be embarassed by me at the pool - will I even be confident enough to go to the pool?

Chicken Nugget said one night as I was getting ready for a party, "Are you REALLY going to go to the party Mom?" I answered, "of course honey, why would you ask?" Her reply, "everyone is going to see your spots". Such innocence, yet little did she know, she hit me dead center into the core of my fear. I was really nervous to go to that party that night, but I decided I should go, and hoped that the lights would be turned down low so no one would notice.

Then one Sunday I told Huckleberry that I was going to sit in on his church service at the new church to see what it's like, and he said, "Are you sure you want to do that Mom, kids can be so mean. What if they laugh at your spots". I reassure him that I'm tough and I can take it. And inside, I'm not feeling so sure.

Maybe you think it's weird that I post pictures. And I apologize, if you feel like I've gone over the top, but I'm facing my fears. My fears of what everyone will think. The assumptions people will make if they aren't educated in this disease. Writing this blog everyday is helping me tremendously let go of the fears I face on a daily basis.

Next Up: Course of Treatment - "The Lightbox"